What is Authentic Sexual Intimacy – Answering your Questions
Are you sexually authentic?
Do you know what it means to be sexually authentic? In this article, I will explore some aspects of what authentic sexual intimacy is and what it is not.
Having sex with someone is one of the most exposing and vulnerable human acts there is. When naked and sharing your body, there is not much in the way (on a physical level) between you and another. With that said, it is interesting how much we hide from each other in an intimate relationship. It isn’t because we are bad people. It’s often because we don’t know any better.
Being Real with Your Partner is the Biggest Gift You Can Give the Relationship
But it isn’t always easy to do. Maybe you don’t want to hurt their feelings, maybe you think they don’t care, or maybe you have given up on the relationship and don’t want to try anymore but continue to have sex anyway. Maybe you have a tough time speaking your truth. Maybe you have a tough time knowing your truth. Whatever it might be for you, if you are not authentic in your sexual intimacy, you will never experience the sense of connection you are probably longing for. Your sex life is only as good as your communication.
Below are two lists. The first one is what authentic sexual intimacy is and the following one is what authentic sexual intimacy is not. Number 1 in the first list correlates to number 1 in the second list and so on. Let’s look at both sides of each of these items.
Things that Do Not Support Authentic Sexual Intimacy
- Faking an Orgasm.
- Having unmet sexual needs and not talking about them with your partner.
- Engaging in sex with someone having something other than intimacy in mind.
- Having an affair
Things that Support Authentic Sexual Intimacy
- The willingness and courage to tell the truth.
- Communicating your sexual needs.
- Being transparent about why you are engaging in sex.
- Being upfront about your attractions towards another.
Faking Orgasms vs Telling the Truth
Unfortunately, it is more common than not for women to, at some point in the sexual lives, fake an orgasm. Have you ever faked an orgasm? Whether it is because you want to get sex over with, satisfy a man’s ego or some other reason, faking an orgasm cripples your sexual response system. You are giving your body mixed signals.
Your sexual response system needs to be nurtured, supported and allowed to fully express itself. In doing so you will awaken your divine feminine essence and become more sensually alive as a woman. It is extremely important to NEVER fake an orgasm ever again. And please don’t even fake pleasure.
Be truthful and gracefully express what feels good and what doesn’t. It is important to learn the communication skills to be able to do so. Notice when your body is contracting instead of expanding during an intimate exchange. Be tuned into what brings you pleasure and learn how to give that a voice. That is what sexual authenticity is all about. Your sex life is only as good as your communication.
Having Unmet Sexual Needs vs Communicating Your Needs
Communicating your sexual needs is challenging for many women. A big problem is women often don’t know what they need. When I work with women they are often dealing with their man’s sexual needs. Their needs and what gives THEM pleasure get drowned out. I feel sad about this. Much of a man’s satisfaction comes from giving a woman pleasure. That is why it is so important for you to know what creates pleasure for you in your body and communicate it.
To communicate your sexual needs, you must first be aware of them. What are YOUR sexual needs? What brings you pleasure? What does it take for you to be open to receiving pleasure? What turns you on? What turns you off? What type of touch do you enjoy? What type of environment is the best for you to be able to fully engage in sexual intimacy?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself. To experience authentic sexual intimacy, it takes being transparent with your partner. It takes knowing your sexually needs and having the type of relationship where you can each communicate what they are.
Being Transparent or Not about the Sex Act
Sex and sexual expression is such a vast subject. There is sex in a committed relationship, one night stands, sex addiction with all its different flavors and sex in exchange for security or money to name a few. How each person goes about getting their sexual needs met and/or using the power of sex to get other needs met is each person’s individual journey. But since sex with another is not an individual journey, if you want authentic sexual intimacy it is important to be transparent about why you are having sex.
A prostitute who is giving sex in exchange for money would not be authentic if she expected a commitment from one of her clients. The same is true for a woman who is having sex with someone who she is not attracted to but having sex anyway because of other benefits she receives from that exchange. For example, a younger woman with an older man who is financially secure. Or a woman who wants babies and marries a man she is not attracted to.
There is no judgement around the two previous examples. The issue is whether they are behaving authentically in their actions regarding sexual intimacy. The woman who isn’t attracted to but marries a man because he will give her a baby needs to let him know that this is what she’s doing. A woman that marries an older rich man that she’s not attracted to also, in order to be authentic sexually, needs to be clear with him what the exchanges are.
I am not saying that all women who want to have babies and all women who marry older rich men are not sexually authentic. It all depends on if there is transparency of what the exchange is and clear on what the agreements are. If she is faking pleasure to get her other needs met, she is sacrificing authentic sexual intimacy. Then the prostitute who gets paid for her services is more sexually authentic.
Sex and sexual energy is an extremely powerful energy and most of us don’t realize just how powerful it is. Being upfront, including with yourself, about why you are engaging in a sex act, and sharing that with the person you are doing it with is important for establishing authentic sexual intimacy.
Having an Affair vs Upfront about Your Attractions
Infidelity, lies, deception and betrayal are some of the most painful experiences to go through with a mate. It is not an openly talked about subject but affairs are more common than you probably realize. https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html An affair can be going on for years and the spouse not know about it. Or she intuitively knows and consciously or unconsciously chooses not to address it.
We are only as healthy as our secrets. From a psychological point of view, those things that are hidden are our shadow side. It is in working with our shadow side where there is healing.
The same is true with affairs. Affairs are the shadow side of relationship. Imagine if we had a culture where we could be transparent with our partner about our attractions for another. I believe most conventional relationships don’t completely address the subject of attraction for another.
We are All Sexual Beings
The truth is, we are all sexual beings and we will find others attractive. The question is what are you going to do with those feelings of attraction and what agreements do you have with your partner? How do you stay in integrity with your current relationship? Are you going to act on it and not tell your mate?
Often affairs occur due to dissatisfaction in the current relationship, Needs are not being met and it is easier to run from them by having an affair. Or sometimes an affair, when brought out in the open and worked through, can deepen a couple’s connection. It is because they were willing to be authentic with each other and address those things that weren’t being addressed in the relationship before.
If you are longing for a deeper connection with your partner look at those places where you could improve your sexual authenticity. Are you faking pleasure? Are you communicating your needs? Are you not present in the relationship because your energy is going towards someone else? In any relationship if there is love then all the relationship needs is good communication skills to create authentic sexual intimacy.
I’m Anna-Thea, an author and Certified Divine Feminine Educator. I educate women on how to honor their bodies, especially in their intimate relationship. If you would like to find out more check out my online school.
picture credit: Unsplash