Sexual Fantasies: Are They Good or Bad?
Sexual fantasies are very common. The question is, are they good or bad for your well-being? If you turn to mainstream literature and articles on the internet from therapists about sexual fantasies, you’ll find they emphasize they are normal and natural. That everyone has fantasies. I will agree with that.
But then they also often say they are only fantasies, they are not real, so enjoy them. Hmmm, I wonder. Maybe enjoy them but also it really depends on the fantasy. It’s also often recommended to find ways to act them out in a safe environment with your partner or others. I agree with that however it’s not that simple.
Sexual relationships are very complex. Creating a safe sexual environment isn’t always so easy to do. Especially if you’re having challenges in the relationship. And who doesn’t have challenges in relationships? True intimacy and healthy relating are also complex!
What Happens in the Bedroom Plays Out in Day-to-Day Life
And, what happens in the bedroom plays out in day to day life of the relationship. In other words, your sexuality creates your reality. But most of us don’t fully realize that. As a society, we haven’t brought a lot of conscious awareness to our sexuality.
That’s why it’s important to look at your fantasies and take a deeper dive into them.
I believe our sexuality has been hijacked. Sexual energy is a sacred energy. It is the energy that creates new life, but it’s also the energy that animates us as a living human being. Another word for sexual energy is Kundalini energy.
Kundalini is a yogic term. It’s the energy sitting at the base of your spine, also referred to as the three-coiled serpent lying dormant. That’s why another definition for Kundalini is “the Holy Spirit” and hold within your “full human potential.” We have our full human potential “sleeping”, unawake at the base of our spines!
Is Your Sexual Energy Stuck in Lower Frequencies?
The best way to stay disempowered is to keep your sexual energy “stuck” in lower frequencies at the base of your spine. That’s how our society operates. Very survival based.
So great let’s look at our fantasies and try to actualize them as the therapists recommend. But wait, therapists receive very little sex education during their schooling. It’s like doctors and asking them to give nutritional advice. Though well-educated in medicine, they learn very little about nutrition. The same is the case with therapists. Their specialty is not about sexuality. They receive very little Sex Ed during their education. And like all of us, they too have their own sexual issues. We all do!
Now, I’m not saying I know everything about sexuality, but I will say that I have made it a lifelong study to explore my own sexuality and make it more sacred. As a girl little Catholic-raised girl, sex wasn’t something that was talked about when I was growing up. So, when I started blossoming into a young sexually active woman, I had no one, with any sexual wisdom, to turn to. All I had were my girlfriends to compare myself to. Some of which were a bit too promiscuous for my comfort. Even though I didn’t fully realize it at the time. It was a recipe for disaster for my own sexual development. But that’s another story.
Your Sexuality Has Been Hijacked
When it comes to your sexuality and your fantasies, what do you want to do about them? It’s my belief, as I mentioned earlier, that your sexuality creates your reality. And that our sexuality has been hijacked. With that said, let me ask you, what turns you on? What are you thinking about at the point of orgasm?
When we look at our history – humankind’s more recent past, we find that we come from a very violent world. A world based on domination. We’ve had witch hunts, countries overthrowing other countries, and in general the strong and affluent dominating the weak. This is still happening today.
Ultimately, without even fully realizing it, we live in an anti-ecstatic world. It’s a world that is more masculine. There is nothing wrong with masculine energy – we need it. It’s just that it’s out of balance. We need to balance it with feminine energy.
You see, in this more masculine world, we don’t take the time to slow down and FEEL. It’s a societal illness of numbness because collectively and historically we are all holding pain. Emotional pain from loss, betrayal and abandonment not only from this life but from generational patterns passed down to and through us. In other words, we are carrying this anti-ecstatic way of living in our DNA.
It’s up to you to free yourself from that. It takes commitment. And the fastest way to do that is to bring more self-awareness to your sexuality.
As I mentioned, our sexuality has been hijacked. What do I really mean by that? The meaning of sex has been distorted and portrayed in a way to keep you from your power. Your sexual energy is your power – your life force energy.
Look At What Turns You On – Where Does That Come From?
If your sexual turn-on is one of domination, abuse, suppression, and sexual force for example then that’s the energy you carry. Or if you get turned on by some form of “perversion” that too, is part of your general psyche and makes up who you are as a person.
For example, if you are a woman whose fantasy is about being raped, what effect does that have on your overall well-being? This is a very common fantasy. Where does it come from? How did it get into our sexual psyche as a common fantasy?
Well, if you think about it, the very first human sexual act, i.e. in the caveman days, was rape. I am imagining that a horny caveman just went over to his woman and had his way with her. You know the depiction of the caveman with the club, clubbing a woman. Don’t know if that actually happened or is true. But if so, how far have we come from that? Have we evolved?
Rape is not the only common fantasy. There are as many fantasies as there are people on the planet. Your sexuality is as unique as your fingerprint. Your fantasies and sexual psychology are unique to you. Though we do have common themes when it comes to sexual fantasies, the real question to ask is – Does your sexual fantasy empower you? Are you at peace with what turns you on?
Is Your Fantasy Healthy for You?
If what turns you on is something that ultimately is a disempowering fantasy scene in your mind then I have a way for you to deal with it – a way to heal it and transform it into something much more empowering. You have that power and I’d like to show you exactly what to do.
I remember having a woman come to me and share her fantasy of being raped. That’s what turned her on. I could see the pain in her whole being as she shared that. She also told me how it got in the way of her ability to have a healthy relationship with a man.
Was I supposed to tell her to create a safe space to be raped? That sounds like an oxymoron. I believe that if she did create a safe space for domination with a loving partner that could very well be a healing experience for her. And an opportunity for her to practice surrender – a divine feminine quality. But I also believe there is an opportunity to go deeper. And again, creating that safe space with another isn’t always easy.
In my “Sex Ed You Didn’t Learn From Your Mother” course I take my students through a remapping experience. It’s very powerful. Unfortunately, many (not all) women’s first sexual experience is not a happy one. I have heard the stories and it breaks my heart what young women have gone through as they began flowering into their sexuality.
Were You Given a Safe Space to “Flower” as a Teen?
Most haven’t been given a safe space in their teen years as their sexual self was developing. And there are many young men as well that haven’t had a safe space for their sexuality. It’s a time of great confusion and more often than not, very little guidance and support are available. And often no support or guidance is available. So the person is on their own and subject to society’s distorted view of sexuality.
By the time you become a sexually active adult, your sexuality has already been developed. Now that doesn’t mean it can’t be further developed. Not at all. It’s just that we bring our past sexual imprint into the now. And that’s ok. It’s part of your personal journey and evolution.
In my Divine Feminine certification course, I remember one of the teachers talking about sexuality, orgasm, and the bliss of it all. Depicting orgasm as “breaking ocean waves rushing through her body.” It was funny and of course not so funny because that wasn’t my experience. But it sparked in me the possibility of such an experience. And to this day I am still working on it! That’s how deep the programming goes.
My orgasms and what’s in my head during the point of orgasm are much more empowering than years ago, but I feel I can always improve upon them. Now I’m not going to share here in this forum what my personal disempowering fantasy was. But I will say, it wasn’t rape. It was actually not that bad, but for me, it wasn’t fortifying or nurturing to a healthy connection with my man.
Your Orgasm is Directly Connected to Your Psyche
Since an orgasm has a direct connection to your brain, it affects your psyche. And I realized long ago how, what turned me on, wasn’t what I wanted. That’s such a confusing thing for your emotional well-being to make sense of. And it does leak into your real-life intimate relationship. Whether you realize it or not.
Many couples, do share their fantasies, however many do not. And these fantasies can play out in sabotaging a normal healthy connection… whether you share them or not. Sometimes it’s not safe to share them because the partner lacks enough awareness to handle it with great care. And can even use it against you, causing further wounding. Your fantasies are a very vulnerable place within you.
With all of that said, your orgasm and what you are thinking at the point of orgasm is a very personal experience. And as sexual energy goes, it is something that can either empower or destroy you. That is how powerful this force, Kundalini, your sexuality, is.
So, what do you want to do with your orgasm for the rest of your life? Leave it as is or would you like to expand it?
Here is a 5 step process that I have created to broaden your sexual horizon. To take your fantasies and let them work for you instead of against you. Have fun with it and lots of pleasure as you evolve your sexual consciousness.
Evolving your sexual energy is the fastest way to evolve your consciousness.
5 Steps to Remap (expand)your sexual fantasy.
- Create a New Fantasy
- Blend Your Fantasies
- Commit to this Transformation
The first step is to accept your fantasy. Don’t shame yourself. I’ve heard people share that once they orgasm, they have a shame reaction because what turns them on, once the arousal is over, actually disgusts them in a non-aroused state. Their pleasure becomes their pain.
Make sure that you stay with the post-orgasm process. Be there for yourself. Hold that shame in unconditional love. Can you do that? Practice it every time you have your orgasm. Don’t waiver.
Breathe, feel into your heart and energetically surround your body and your genitals with love.
2. Create a New Fantasy
Your fantasy is simply a way of thought. It has created a roadway in your brain. Think of your fantasy as a highway of thought. If you think this thought often you have, so to speak, created a 6-lane freeway in your mind, as opposed to it being an old, not often traveled, country road.
The thought/fantasy in your mind occupies a big space. And it’s easy to frequent. But that can change. You can change it due to what’s called neuroplasticity. Your thoughts aren’t set in stone.
Here’s a simple definition of neuroplasticity – the ability of the brain to form new connections and pathways and change how its circuits are wired.
This isn’t about getting rid of the old fantasy that has, through time, become a 6 lane freeway in your mind. It’s about constructing a new road. As you start going down that new road and start using it regularly, it will become the 6-lane freeway while the other fantasy will become the old country road.
You have the ability to do this. Think about what kind of fantasy you’d like to create while you have an orgasm.
3. Blend the Fantasies
Once you have an idea of where you would like to go start going there. If the only thing that turns you on is currently the old fantasy, then use it. Let it be your match stick to ignite you but just don’t stay in it. Don’t elaborate on that scene.
Play with the sexual energy and as you become aroused, bring your attention to a scene that is more empowering. Or morph your existing scene into something more empowering. What will happen is that you’ll lose your arousal but don’t give up.
Start playing with the blending of the old fantasy and the morphing or creating of a new fantasy. You may even go up and down in arousal. And that’s even better. Because you are prolonging the sexual energy and letting it expand into your body. If you use your breath it will invite that sexual energy up to your heart. Which is a fabulous idea to play with while you are in an aroused state.
Without the breath, it’s easy for your sexual energy to stay congested in your genitals and not flow further through your body. This limits your bliss!
One thing to be aware of is that as you expand your sexual energy through your body, through deep breathing, it will have the ability to release emotional blocks in your body. What this means is that stuck emotions may surface. Let them surface. Hold them in your love and compassion. If this happens congratulations! You are expanding your sexual energy and raising your sexual consciousness.
You do not have to live the rest of your life feeling pleasure and pain or pleasure and shame with your orgasm. You don’t have to wish your orgasm wasn’t what it is. You can expand what turns you on. It’s all up to you.
This change or transformation isn’t going to happen overnight. Start practicing. Don’t waste an orgasm. Every orgasm you have should end in a scene in your mind that empowers you. A scene that opens your heart. A scene that moves you in the direction that you want to go.
Take time with yourself, or your partner, and play with this energy. This is actually a form of sex magic. Since your sexual energy is your creative life force energy you get to do with it whatever you want. It’s yours to play with and it’s yours to create with.
What do you want to create?
Also, as you are practicing this blending of your old fantasy and “inserting” another scene make sure to feel. What I mean by that is as you practice and play with your sexual energy, see how present, in your body, you can be.
Bring your attention to the arousal energy itself in your body. This helps you to free yourself from any fantasy at all. Just being present with the energy.
And remember, you are using your old fantasy to “get you there” but you’re not staying there. Let yourself explore so much more as you reach that orgasmic wave. Ride the wave and have fun with it.
5. Commit to this Transformation
The last step is to commit to this transformation. You could easily spend the rest of your life with the sexual psychological imprint you currently have. It’s completely up to you. No one else can do this for you. No matter how much of a loving partner you have. This process is ultimately up to you. It’s a process of bringing more conscious awareness to your sexuality.
And it requires you to make time for it. You are basically rewiring your brain. Take time for yourself. I don’t call it masturbating. I refer to this as creating Self Pleasuring Session for yourself. Commit to self-exploration and re-definition of your sexuality.
Letting that huge 6-lane freeway start to decay. It will never go away and really you don’t want it to. It’s not about pushing it away. It’s about expanding into broader, more expansive, sexual horizons.
Make this your personal adventure. You have the rest of your life and many more orgasms to enjoy.
I’m Anna-Thea, an author, Divine Feminine Educator, and Evolutionary Astrologer. I hope you’ve found that information about sexual fantasy helpful. Please make sure to check out my online course. They are designed with the main goal of helping you reclaim your body as sacred.